Jokes

Our club motto is "grow old disgracefully".  Many of the entries submitted for this page show that our humour lives up to that motto.  Nevertheless, with a nod to political correctness, if any member finds an entry here to be offensive, please let me know by e-mail (mdixon@anysize.com) or phone (9313 3944) and I will remove it.

From: Robin Lukosius:

An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through
she leans over and says to her husband, " I just let out a silent fart
what do you think I should do?"

He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
 

Fairy Tales, from Mark Johnstone:

A child asks his mother, "Do all fairy tales begin with, 'Once upon a time?'"
His mother answers, "No, dear. Once in a while they begin with 'I'll be working late at the office tonight.'"
"Does Daddy tell you fairy tales like that?"
"He used to."
"What made him stop?"
"One day he told me he'd be working late, and I said, 'Can I depend on that?'"
 

A Marriage Made in Heaven, from Mark Johnstone:

There was a couple who was about to get married. Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died. As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get married in heaven.
St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.
He was gone for several months then finally returned.
The couple said, "We've been thinking as we were waiting here, eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things don't work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?"
St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said, "Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here, do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?"
 

Nick the Dragon Slayer, from Mark Johnstone:

Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician; the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.
The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and was touted as a hero.
Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, shooed him away with no payment made. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's shorts.

The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...
 

Little Billy at School, from Mark Johnstone:

Little Billy on… Survival
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?“ replied the man. "
Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f*cking business!!"

Little Billy on… Philosophy
A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Billy. He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."Then little Billy says, "I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." To which Little Billy replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking."

Little Billy on… Math
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic. "Why?" asks his father. "The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Billy.
"But that's right!" says his dad. "Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'" "What's the f*cking difference? " asks the father. "That's what I said!"

Little Billy on… English
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Billy says " Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful." Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a bl*wjob."

Little Billy on… Grammar
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice. First she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful Banquet and it turned out beautifully." The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then, she reluctantly called on little Billy.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said "Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"
 

VIRGIN, from Mark Johnstone:

A guy out on a golf day takes a high speed ball right in the crutch, ouch, (tears in the eyes stuff). Writhing in agony he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he goes to the doctor. He asks "How bad is it Doc?. I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance's is still a virgin, in every way."

The doc told him I'll have to put your Willie in a splint to let it heal n keep it straight. It should be ok for next week. He then took out four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four sided splint and taped it all together. What a work of art!

The guy mentions none of this to his girl. Marries her and they go off for the honeymoon. That nite in the hotel room, she rips of her blouse to reveal her beautiful full untouched breasts. She said "you're the FIRST no one has EVER touched these".

He immediately drops his pants. "That's nothing! Look at this, it's still in the crate".

Here's one from Mark Johnstone:

Bubba and Junior were standing at the base of a flagpole.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her packet, took a measurement, announce, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde. We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."

Here's one from the MotorCycle Jokes page:

Another one from Mark Johnstone:

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around  the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she's in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for  a walk around the block?

I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said,

Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Send jokes to Mark Dixon.